Unwelcome Advice from Grandma
Dear Roz,
I have plenty of problems: too many ex-boyfriends, a summer job I hate, a best friend I’ve neglected, and a certain hot skateboarder…but I’m not going to think about him. I’m not. But my biggest problem of all: living with my grandma the famous ADVICE COLUMNIST Miss Swoon!
No offense to you–I’m sure you give great advice–but Miss Swoon is just making things worse. I’ve got affirmations scrawled on my arm in Sharpie and I STILL can’t stop thinking about, you know, a certain male member of the species.
How can I stay away from this guy? I’m obviously not cut out for relationships of any kind so I truly need to resist this temptation.
–Pollywog (a horrid nickname given to me by who else? An ex!)
Dear Pollywog,
I know a thing or four about boys—the kind that are as irresistible as radioactive Cheez Doodles, and just as bad for you. If you want to forget about him, don’t write affirmations. Go for defamations. Write his bad-points down one arm and up the next. And use a permanent marker. Works for me
Or you can prank him in some unforgivable way. Tag his skateboard with a pink sticker. Loosen the screws on his wheels.
Actually, though, I may be projecting because of a certain hot skate-boarder that three-timed me. Your hot skate-boarder is probably a cut aboe. And he might take your mind off your nosy grandma and those annoying nick-name giving ex’s.
Please don’t worry about offending me. Advice columnists can never solve their own problems, so relish mucking around in everyone else’s business.
No joke. I have no idea what I’m talking about most of the time. But this time I’m right. So go for him!
Roz
Letter provided by the awesome and amazing (and prolific) Sydney Salter, author of SWOON AT YOUR OWN RISK and MY BIG NOSE AND OTHER NATURAL DISASTERS and JUNGLE CROSSING.
