Ask My Sister

ASK MY SISTER (#14)

Dear Roz,

I have plenty of problems: too many ex-boyfriends, a summer job I hate, a best friend I’ve neglected, and a certain hot skateboarder…but I’m not going to think about him. I’m not. But my biggest problem of all: living with my grandma the famous ADVICE COLUMNIST Miss Swoon!

No offense to you–I’m sure you give great advice–but Miss Swoon is just making things worse. I’ve got affirmations scrawled on my arm in Sharpie and I STILL can’t stop thinking about, you know, a certain male member of the species.

How can I stay away from this guy? I’m obviously not cut out for relationships of any kind so I truly need to resist this temptation. –Pollywog (a horrid nickname given to me by who else? An ex!)

Dear Pollywog,

I know a thing or four about boys—the kind that are as irresistible as radioactive Cheez Doodles, and just as bad for you. If you want to forget about him, don’t write affirmations. Go for defamations. Write his bad-points down one arm and up the next. And use a permanent marker. Works for me

Or you can prank him in some unforgivable way. Tag his skateboard with a pink sticker. Loosen the screws on his wheels.

Actually, though, I may be projecting because of a certain hot skate-boarder that three-timed me. Your hot skate-boarder is probably a cut aboe. And he might take your mind off your nosy grandma and those annoying nick-name giving ex’s.

Please don’t worry about offending me. Advice columnists can never solve their own problems, so relish mucking around in everyone else’s business.

No joke. I have no idea what I’m talking about most of the time. But this time I’m right. So go for him!

Roz

Letter provided by the awesome and amazing (and prolific) Sydney Salter, author of SWOON AT YOUR OWN RISK and MY BIG NOSE AND OTHER NATURAL DISASTERS and JUNGLE CROSSING.


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ASK MY SISTER (#13)

Dear Roz,

I never ever EVER thought I’d be asking myself–let alone a complete stranger–a question like this, but…what do you do when you’re not quite sure The One is The One, anymore? I’m crazy about my boyfriend, but there’s this other guy…he’s really nice and funny and I feel like I can be myself around him in a way I can’t always be with my boyfriend.

The only problem is, he’s dead. Not dead dead–he looks as living as the next person and way more living than any zombie I’ve ever seen–but he’s not. He’s Unsettled and could go back to his grave any minute.

And the only OTHER problem is that I love my boyfriend and don’t understand why I’m having more-than-friendly feelings for someone else!

And the only other OTHER problem is that I’m super busy dealing with black magic and the flesh-hungry variety of zombies and really don’t have time for all this love-related stress.

Can you help?

She Who Can Not Be Named

Dear She Who Can Not Be Named  (“Dear She” didn’t sound right),

Your problems are out of the ordinary, too. Scary even! Can we trade?

Seriously, I could handle the black magic part. Dabbling in online ouija and the occasional voodoo-type revenge scenario comes naturally to me. But I draw the line at combating flesh hungry zombies. They always go for someone like me—the girl with a little meat on her bones.

Seriously, seriously, love is great and all. Still, I believe you’ll be happier with someone you can act yourself around. Did you know that a person can die from suppressing their true nature?

Not really. But you may develop several unattractive nervous mannerisms in the process. I’d take my chances with the half-dead guy.

Roz

Letter provided by Stacey Jay, the talented author of the hilarious UNDEAD MUCH? the second in her trIlogy that started with YOU ARE SO UNDEAD TO ME and ended with MY SO-CALLED DEATH. It has romance, it has gore, it has everything you could want in a YA horror/romance spoof. Check out her cool cover below!

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Ask My Sister (#12)

Dear Roz,

Lots of my friends have parents who are divorced, which is awful, but I seem to have the opposite problem. My parents act like they’re in a perpetual state of puppy love and they have no concept of modesty when it comes to PDAs. They’ll kiss at the grocery store or nuzzle each other at the movies. My dad even groped my mom right at the dinner table. Can you believe that? Needless to say, I lost my appetite. Frankly, I’m surprised I didn’t yak all over the table. Now I’m not saying that parental PDAs are nearly as bad as your parents getting divorced, but it’s totally embarrassing nonetheless. And gross. So how should I deal with it?

Puking from Parental PDAs

Dear Puking,

Sure parental-PDAs are nowhere near a divorce-level catastrophe, but I don’t discriminate against little problems. Besides, almost losing your dinner all over the table constitutes a semi-emergency.

You could take a picture while they’re kissing. And threaten to post it on your blog. Sadly, they might actually like that.

Have you considered a spray bottle full of water? I’ve used one to train my cat not to jump up on the kitchen counter while I cook.

A shock collar might be a little extreme, though.

And there’s always talking. “Hey mom, hey dad. I understand you love each other, and I’m grateful for that, but could you please do that in your room? And close the door behind you.”

Unfortunately, we can’t choose our parents. Shakespeare said, Being born is like being kidnapped. And then sold into slavery.

I hope you turn eighteen soon!

Roz

Letter courtesy of Kristin Walker, author of the hilarious and heartfelt YA novel, A MATCH MADE IN HIGH SCHOOL. I love, love, love this book!

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Ask My Sister (#11)

Dear Roz,

Brace yourself because this one is a doozey. See, my dad is kind of (well, more than kind of—he is) the devil. Yep. That’s right. Lucifer himself. But that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that I inherited his powers, and I can’t control them. They tend to go off at the worst possible moments. Like when the cutest guy in the whole school was about to kiss me.

So I’ve been avoiding this guy. A-because I don’t want him to know my secret. He’ll think I’m a mega freak. B-I don’t want my powers to go off again.

But now he thinks I’m not interested in him. And the school dance is coming up! How do I avoid him and still get him to ask me to be his date at same time?

Help,

The Daughter of the Devil

Dear Devilish Daughter,

My dad sometimes annoys me because he has a tendency to wear under-sized shirts with over-aged rock stars on them. And cooked Mad-Cow-Disease loaf for dinner after I became a vegetarian. But your dad is the devil himself? That must be crazy.

Can we trade?

I mean, he must give you awesome birthday presents.

Seriously, this kissing problem sounds severe, though. I’d love to have secret powers, but not if they interfered with my love life. Boys can be soooo picky about the freak thing.

Try calling, texting, and IMing your love interest before the dance. That way he’ll know you still like him. But don’t overdo it. Sixty texts a day kind of freaks the guys out.

The thing is, your guy will want to kiss you at the dance. If you make it to that point, can you think about something totally different when that happens? Something like the amazing differences between parabolas and ellipses?

The course of true love never did run smooth, especially when your dad is the devil himself.

Good luck!

Roz

P.S. I’m dying to know what happened when your guy kissed you. Did his eyebrows catch on fire? Did something explode? Did a cow suddenly appear in the room? What?

Letter courtesy of Shani Petroff, author of THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY DRESS (Book 2 of her Bedeviled series).

I totally laughed aloud reading the first book of Shani’s series, DADDY’S LITTLE ANGEL. Here’s the cover of book 2.

I can’t wait to read it just to find out what happened when she kissed her boyfriend!

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Ask My Sister (#10)

Dear Stupid Cupid,
You wouldn’t believe the size of my problem. I have the hots for this boy who’s so beautiful it hurts to look at him. But he’s my sister’s boyfriend. Except I saw him first. Yelling dibs doesn’t work when you’re sixteen, I guess.

He kind of notices me and kind of ignores me, at the same time. Sadly, the other boy–the one crushing on *me*–has forgotten how to talk. He might have nice eyes. It’s hard to tell because his bangs cover them.

And then there’s this girl that’s all waify and mysterious. She seems to like me. Like like. And maybe I like like her back. Just a little.

Tell me what to do!
Roz

Dear Roz,

Wow. What a pickle you’ve got yourself in! But my boss always tells me that’s how love is–it’s messy and crazy and worth all the fuss.

Here are my thoughts. As far as the hottie, I hate to say this, but friends have to come first…and that includes your sister. I know it sucks when you feel so strongly about someone, but trust me–no guy is worth ruining your friendship or sisterhood over. That’s something my best friends and I have vowed never to do.

As far as the nice-eyed quiet guy, I’d recommend you study him closely. Maybe follow him around, or probe his friends (er, so to speak, haha) for answers about him. What’s he into? Are you into any of the same things? Maybe those can serve as launching pads for convos with him. I recommend being careful if you follow him around–getting busted for that kind of thing sucks and is suuuuper embarrassing. Um, not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.

Aaaanyway, onto the girl–do the same thing! Love doesn’t have boundaries, yanno? When it hits ya, it hits. So take some time to try to break through that mysterioso personality and see who she is on the inside. Maybe she’s awesome. Maybe she’d be great to date–or just have a friend. But you won’t know unless you try.

Sounds like you have some great options available for you. GOOD LUCK, and I’ll be watching you closely! *wink*

Sincerely,
Stupid Cupid

Advice provided by Rhonda Stapleton, author of the amazing STUPID CUPID

Send your ASK MY SISTER letters to lauren@laurenbjorkman.com and receive a free signed bookmark

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ASK MY SISTER (#9)

Dear Roz,

You’re a girl after my own heart, so I’m just gonna lay it on the line for you. There’s this guy that I’ve had a major crush on for forever, but we’ve been best friends for so long that I don’t even think he consider me a girl anymore. I’m worried that if I tell him, he’s going to be totally grossed out and then it’s going to screw up our friendship.

Plus, he’s really into this snotty, rich girl who, I kid you not, looks like she just stepped out of Twlight, or True Blood, or one of those other sexy goth shows. Not that she would give him the time of day. She’s way to shallow to ever appreciate him or his talent. But every time he starts mooning over her, I want to punch him in the mouth.

So what do you think? Should I:
a.) tell him
b.) punch him in the mouth
c.) punch her in the mouth
d.) all of the above

Fiver

Dear Fiver,

Rule number one. There is no point trying to understand boys (or girls for that matter). When it comes love, they’re incomprehensible. Rule number two. I’m all for punching people who are annoying or oblivious. But it rarely works out well.

Eva would tell you to talk to him. Talking can be a good thing. In my experience, though, it doesn’t always work out. The last time I told a boy how I felt, he kept his girlfriend and tried to have me on the side. Of course, your crush might be nobler than my crush. Nah. I doubt it.

Have you tried more subtle hints—dressing girly when he’s around? Doing something special with your hair? You can mention some guy that’s interested in you. Jealousy is an excellent motivator. Just don’t go overboard. You don’t want to end up like poor Desdemona in Othello. Slain.

Good luck!
Roz

Letter courtesy of Jon Skovron, author of STRUTS AND FRETS.

Send ASK MY SISTER letters to lauren@laurenbjorkman.com and receive a signed My Invented Life book mark.

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ASK MY SISTER (#8)

Dear Eva,

I’ve never had a girlfriend before, and I think I might be doin’ it wrong.

Let’s call my girl Miss Taken. (Get it? She’s my girlfriend, so she’s taken.) Anyway, Miss Taken is really cool and funny and pretty in a quiet-but-hot way, and she has this great belly laugh. I LOVE to make her laugh. On the other hand … do not make her mad! I forgot to call her one time after I said I would, and whoa. Not good. So my first question is: how often am I supposed to call/text my girlfriend? I mean, yeah, she’s awesome, but sometimes I need to spend time with my boys.

Also? I have this friend who’s a girl. Let’s call her Miss Demeanor. (I don’t know why. It’s just the first thing that came to me.) She’s really sweet and smart and fun, and we have a lot in common. Unfortunately, she’s got kind of a messed up home situation. You can see where this is going, right? So my second question is: how can I be a friend to Miss Demeanor without causing Miss Taken to MISCONSTRUE?

Please respond ASAP!

Sincerely,
Boyfriend/Boy-Friend

Dear Boyfriend/Boy-Friend,

Forget of both of them and set your sites on Miss Construe. (Joke. Sorry) Honestly, I’m worried about you. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to be in a ginormous mess, and by that I mean an angry girlfriend.

Let me explain a little bit about Girl Think. Not calling when you’re supposed to call? Big mistake. Miss Taken will take that as a signal that something’s wrong with your relationship. And soon after? She’ll draw the conclusion that it has something to do with Miss Demeanor.

So, first off, call and text Miss Taken a lot more often, and it might just be enough. Next, cool it with Miss Demeanor. If Miss Taken blows her top, she will take it out on your friend.

Sadly, I think you’ll have to choose between your girls in the end. Girl Friend vs. girlfriend. They both sound great.

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth is your dilemma. Be strong.

Eva

Letter courtesy of L.K. Madigan, author of FLASH BURNOUT, a critically acclaimed YA novel.

* send ASK MY SISTER letters to lauren@laurenbjorkman.com


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ASK MY SISTER (#7)

Dear Roz,

My parents keep trying to set me up with their accountant’s son. He is 4 feet tall with a lazy eye, bad breath and a horrible lisp. I keep pretending to have food poisoning whenever he gets close to me, but it’s not working. In fact, he just asked me out. Before I could fake another bout of the stomach flu, my sister piped in and accepted his invitation for me!

So first off, how do I get her back? I could replace her shampoo bottle with green hair dye if you think that would be the classy. Secondly, I’d like to offer you my entire allowance for six months and my undying friendship if you’ll go with him instead. Can I count on you?

Sincerely,

Your New Best Friend

Dear New Best Friend,

I Accept your offer. (How much do you get for allowance, anyway? Never mind. We’ll work out the deets later.)

With Halloween around the corner, the timing couldn’t be more perfect. I’m 5’ 10” after all. If I take him trick-or-treating, everyone will think I’m his babysitter. Honestly, I feel sorry for him, though. Do you think he’d let me give him a makeover?

And I promise not to be mean to him on our “date.” I only do mean things like vandalize a guy’s skateboard when he’s too beautiful, but refuses to ask me out.

Your sister def needs a little payback for betraying you, btw. Didn’t you say she was going to be an angel for Halloween? I have some ideas on how to gothify her costume when she isn’t looking 😀 I’ll come over this afternoon with the black spray paint and chains.

O, what girls dare do!

Roz

This letter is courtesy of Kim the Book Butterfly. Check out her blog at  http://butterflybookreviews.blogspot.com

*email letters to Roz or Eva at lauren@laurenbjorkman.com

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ASK MY SISTER (#6)

Dear Cass,

My sister Eva is driving me crazy! She’s older than me, and we used to be so close. Now she treats me like so much air. Air tainted by an unpleasant odor, that is.

She could be mad because I (occasionally) go after her ex-boyfriends. But I haven’t done that for at least three months. I think it’s something else. Do you think I should spy on her?

Roz

Dear Roz,

I think there must be some older sister code that requires that they suddenly start seeing their younger sister as the lowest form of life on the planet. Believe me, I’ve been there. Maybe it has something to do with the boyfriend thing, but really, it could have nothing to do with you.

You can learn a lot by spying, but usually not the stuff you really want to know. My advice? Ignore her right back. I’d bet she still cares about you somewhere under that front, and once she notices you’re pulling away, her big sister instincts will kick back in and she’ll start worrying about you.

Just don’t overdo it. You could end up with way more attention than you actually want.

Good luck!

Cass

Letter courtesy of Megan Crewe, author of Give Up the Ghost, a YA paranormal.

* send ASK MY SISTER letters to lauren@laurenbjorkman.com

P.S. If you send in an ASK MY SISTER letter by midnight on October 20th, you will be entered to win a pair of sister necklaces.

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Sister necklace contest –last week!

My sister necklace contest is in it’s last week. Just comment with an ASK MY
SISTER letter here to enter. In case you’re wondering if it’s worth the trouble, I took a picture of one of the necklaces.

sisternecklace2

The crystal heart is pure white and 1/2 inch long. Both crystals are strung on a 16 inch sterling silver snake chain. The winner will receive two necklace, one to keep, and one to give to her sister or close friend.

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