Ask My Sister (#3)

Dear Eva,

I have a problem …a BIG Problem. I think I want to date my sister’s boyfriend and I know he’s totally into me. Sometimes he IM’s me and we talk for hours. I know I’m way more interesting to talk to than my sister because people tell me so.

I told my sister and she said she’s totally fine with it, but I think she’s really not. Last night she drew on my face with a sharpie while I was sleeping. And this morning I found my toothbrush in the toilet. What should I do? And how can I get this marker off my face?

Mom says I can’t stay home from school one more day, but I can’t show my face the way it is. She drew a curly moustache on my lip and it looks awful. I’m thinking maybe I could be home schooled until it fades away but then I won’t get to see my sister’s boyfriend and what if he forgets all about me?

Dear Too-much-like-my-sister-Girl,

Give me your address, and tomorrow you’ll have a beard to match the moustache. Really, is it possible for anyone to be that dense? (Don’t answer that. It’s rhetorical. Besides my sister has exceeded all records for human density. She’s in the Guinness Book.)

Still, wake up and smell the toilet water. (And throw away that toothbrush.) There’s not the minutest chance that your sister is “fine” with it. Boyfriends (as a category) fall into the no touch zone. Even texting crosses the line. Unless he’s some kind of decoy boyfriend, which is a thing that only happens in crazy circumstances (like my life).

Go fondle someone else’s boyfriend and leave your sister’s alone. Boys come and go like seasons, but your sisterhood is a life sentence. Just kidding (sort of).

And he’s a total plume-plucked flirt-gill, btw, for leading you on. He’s not worthy of the air he breathes.

Cupid kills some with arrows, some with traps.(Shakespeare) This is definitely a trap, so don’t fall in.


p.s. Try baby oil on that moustache. If that doesn’t take off the ink, rubbing alcohol or nail polish remover can work. Try a small patch first to see if it irritates your skin. (Can you tell I’ve done this before?) Oh, and toothpaste. As long as it wasn’t fished out of the toilet.

This letter is courtesy of Kim the Book Butterfly. Check out her blog at

*email letters to Roz or Eva at

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